Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween from my Cars-obsessed boys,
Frank the Combine and Tow Mater!

Jack-O'-Lanterns

Ewwwwww

Today I was going to post pictures of my little punkins carving pumpkins. So I picked up my camera to take out the memory card and this is what I found sitting on our desk under our computer monitor.

Along with the scattered crayons and tiny toy bucket, I found a freakin slug on our desk. It seems like only yesterday I found what I thought was the most disgusting thing ever in our house: the bleeding Skittle. This little guy takes the cake. Not only was he in my house, he was up on my desk sliming around like he owned the place! So now I'm going to go clean up some slime trail as if I have nothing better to do today.

Coincidence or Cruel Joke

Everyday, at the exact time I need to leave to go pick up Big Brother from preschool, Baby Jaws poops his pants. I just wonder if it is a coincidence or if my sweet little baby boy is just turning into another male in this house that knows how to push my buttons.

Another $6 Trip

Here's what I bought over the weekend at CVS for only $6.35.
2 Dove shampoos
2 Dove conditioners
2 Dove deodorants (I love Dove products)
1 2 lb bag of Halloween candy (for our Trunk or Treat)
1 big chocolate bar (for my personal treat)

The Dove deal was to buy $20 worth of Dove products and get back $10 in ECB's. All of my Dove products totaled $23, but I had 5 $1 coupons. The bag of candy was $5.99, but I had a $1 coupon for that too. The chocolate bar was $1.99, but I received an email from CVS for a free product. There were two products to choose from: a big yummy chocolate bar or disposable toothbrushes, like the Colgate Wisp. If you know me at all, you also know it didn't take any time at all for me to make my choice of which free product I wanted. Hey, my mouth can never get enough chocolate. My butt, on the other hand, is a different story.

My total before coupons was over $31. But I had 6 $1 coupons, which brought my total down to around $25. Then I used the $1.99 email coupon for my chocolate, which brought my total down to around $23. I had $17 in ECB's that I earned on my last trip to CVS. So my grand total was only $6.35 plus I earned another $10 in ECB's for my next trip. On the bottom of my receipt was a bonus ECB of 50 cents. Now I can't wait to spend my $10.50 on another great deal that will hopefully earn even more ECB's. That's the ultimate goal of everyone who 'does' CVS: keep using ECB's to buy more products that earn even more ECB's.

My Little Punkins

Five Quote Friday

"If you rest, you rust."
-Helen Hayes

"If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door."
-Paul Beatty

"A person will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one part of his body - the wishbone."
-Robert Frost

"People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid."
-Soren Aabye Kierkegaard

"The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night."
-Otto von Bismark

Are You Dissing Me?

I was totally dissed by the Dollar Tree cashier this morning. Baby Jaws and I ran in to pick up a couple of things and ended up hauling out about $8 worth. Hey, it's better than $80. Anyway as we were checking out, the cashier began this spiel about helping cats. This is what I heard while digging for my cash:

"We are partnering with a cat sanctuary to save the cats. Cats gets lost. Cats get dumped. Cats get hit by buses, get injured, break their little cat legs and have to wear little cat casts for weeks in order to heal. Their little cat buddies get hit by dump trucks, break their front paws and can no longer hold a pen to sign the first cat's cast. These cats are hungry, lonely and don't have a friend in the world. Would you like to donate some money to help them?"

(Seriously, that's what I heard.)

Ummm...no thank you.

I'm not cat hating. I do like cats, but I am a dog person; always have been, always will be. It's not that I couldn't bear to part with a buck, but if I'm going to donate money to help somewhere, I'd rather help people than stuck up cats.

It irritates me how some people place animals on a pedestal. I think PETA is nuts. I love my dog (who still lives with my mom and dad) but if he needed a heart transplant, I'm sorry. He's just going to have to kick it. He's a dog.

Anyway, I must have offended the cat loving Dollar Tree cashier. Or maybe she was just mad at me because I let her go through her big spiel on cats before I said no. But after I said no, she didn't speak to me again. She didn't tell me my total. She didn't say "thank you". Nothing. Nada. Didn't even look me in the eye. She totally dissed me and now I'm probably on her list of cat haters.

If that's the worst I'm called this week, I'll take it.

No, Really

You're Awesome My Sweet Guy

My husband got up at 4 a.m. this morning to drive this 1929 Model A Panel Delivery Truck that he restored to Wichita, Kansas. It's his first completed restoration and I'm proud of him. It looks great and runs great. The boys and I went to the shop yesterday to take pictures before it left. Big Brother and I even went for a ride in it. We went back again in the afternoon to watch them load it on the trailer for it's long ride home.

I must say I'm going to miss seeing that truck at the shop. I just think it's cute and my husband did an awesome job on it. He won't be missing it as much. He's ready to move onto the next one three. I can't wait to see those when they are finished too. You are awesome my sweet guy!

Dear Burger King

I must say I'm very glad that your employees are not first responders. Otherwise we would all die. I'm not trying to be rude. I'm just saying my mom could make a turkey dinner quicker than you made my Whopper today.

And here's a little hint: if you can hear customers' shoes making a sucking noise as they walk across your floor, it may be time to mop. You should really look into hiring June Cleaver. I hear she's great.

Sincerely,
Mom who visited your palace today with one screaming boy, one happy boy and a husband whom you irritated by putting mayo on his sandwich when he asked you not to.

P.S. I really enjoyed peeing on your throne today. It was awesomely clean!

Five Quote Friday

These are for my husband, who has been wanting me (since I began this) to include his favorite quotes of Sheriff Buford T. Justice from one of his favorite movies, Smokey and the Bandit. You're welcome Honey and no, I'm not including the really bad ones you like.

"What we're dealing with here is a complete lack of respect for the law."

"That's an attention getter." (after kicking one of the car thieves in the butt)

"Do what I say you pile a' monkey nuts."

"And don't go home, and don't go to eat, and don't play with yourself. It wouldn't look nice on my highway. Now, you can THINK about it... but don't do it! "

"I'm gonna barbecue yo' ass in molasses!"

And here are a couple of bonus quotes. I know these are your favorites. You're welcome again.

"Nobody, and I mean NOBODY makes Sheriff Buford T. Justice look like a possum's pecker."

"There's no way, no way that you came from my loins. Soon as I get home, first thing I'm gonna do is punch yo mamma in da mouth!"

Couch Find

I cleaned under our couch the other day. Like I've said before, I'm not big on spotlessness. But even I was surprised at what I found underneath our big green monster. At first glance, I thought it was blood. As I bent down for a closer look, I found it was a bleeding Skittle. I knew this because I could still see the faint 'S' on the almost melted circle.

Disgusting? Yes. Interesting? Definitely. I never knew a Skittle could bleed.

The only thing that scares me is I can't remember the last time we had Skittles in this house. I don't know how long that little guy was living in our couch before he fell to the floor to his death.

I know what you're thinking. June Cleaver would never find a dead Skittle under her couch. Whatever.

Chillin

Nothing like chillin at the dentist on a Wednesday afternoon.

Our Kodak Moment

Big Brother woke up with a bit of a fever yesterday morning. He just wasn't himself, so we kept him home, loaded him up with Tylenol and by 9:30, he was wanting to go to school. He played pretty well the rest of the day, took a really long nap and woke up feeling good. So in my naive mind, I thought it was over. My baby was all better.

Yesterday evening, we were scheduled to have our portrait taken at church for the directory. I don't like doing photos, as found in my infamous "Why Do I Torture Myself". But I dressed Big Brother and Baby Jaws in their matching shirts and thought, it won't be that bad.

After waiting for awhile, Big Brother announced he had to poop. And boy, did he ever. He even said, "Shew wee. Do you smell that? I need to flush that." After all that, I was thinking surely he's feeling better by now. A little while later and still waiting for our turn, "I need to poop" was uttered again, which meant it was my husband's turn. A couple of minutes after the boys went back to the bathroom, they called us to have our picture taken. We are known for our perfect timing.

As Baby Jaws and I were waiting for them to join us and the photographer, here are the texts I received from my husband:
"It's got some stank on it."
"The fan can't keep up."
"Courtesy flush didn't help either."
"I'm gagging."
"Now he's barfing."
"Get in here."

Luckily, I had my phone on vibrate and didn't get a one of the texts. When they finally joined us, Big Brother looked awful. The photographer set us all up as Big Brother said, "I don't want my picture taken." The photographer just started taking pictures, but Big Brother didn't feel like smiling. As he kept taking pictures, Big Brother said, "I need to puke."

I couldn't move because of the table up against my body that Baby Jaws was propped upon. My husband couldn't move because I was pretty much propped up against him. The photographer apparently thought Big Brother was just being difficult. I think he realized his mistake of continuing to try to photograph us as Big Brother finally puked.

Always in Mommy mode, I stuck my hand out to catch it because so help me, he wasn't going to get puke on his shirt before we had a decent family photo. Since the rest of us couldn't move, the photographer leaped into action. He jumped over cords to get me a towel and threw it at me from across the room. Well, it's a towel, not a ball. It didn't get to me. It sort of stopped in mid-air and floated to the floor, like any towel would do. So he ran to it again and threw it at me again. He was really concerned, but the puke wasn't bothering me. I made quite a catch to save our photo.

Then the photographer said we could try again later. I was not down with that since we had already waited so long and my kid was puking. So in the words of Yoda, "Do or do not...there is no try." I told him we'd go finish puking and then he could take a decent picture. So we did. I was not torturing myself or my son any longer.

Afterward, we thanked Big Brother for his job well done and the fact that we didn't have to stay and listen to a sales pitch while looking at our wonderful photos. My husband was a little disappointed. He wished the photographer would have taken a good shot of my handful of puke. He said we definitely would have ordered that one. We're always looking for Christmas card material.

Holiday Smoliday

I am ticked off with Christopher Columbus today. I don't have much respect anyway for someone who discovered a land that was already inhabited and then thought he was all that and a bag of chips. Of course I don't know what Christopher Columbus actually thought of himself, but I think he would fit in nicely today with all the people in the world who take credit for things that others have already accomplished. And don't get me started about the Columbus Day Controversy. I myself don't see what the big deal is and don't believe he discovered anything.

But here is why I'm ticked at Christopher Columbus. I live in a state that actually observes this insane holiday. I drove 90% of the way to the DMV this morning to renew my expired driver's license (no I don't do anything in advance) and then it hit me. It is freakin Columbus Day. I knew this. I know this every year because it's always the same week as my birthday. But I drove, having a million other things on my mind.

So Mr. Columbus, you have found one more way to irritate me. So help me, if I get pulled over and get a ticket for driving with an expired license, I'm blaming you. Just a little heads up for you bud.

Five Quote Friday

"After the game, the king and the pawn go back into the same box."
-Italian Proverb

"In the hopes of reaching the moon, men fail to see the flowers that blossom at their feet."
-Albert Schweitzer

"If man could have half his wishes, he would double his troubles."
-Benjamin Franklin

"If we do not plant knowledge when we are young, it will give us no shade when we are old."
-Lord Chesterfield

"There is nothing more frightening than active ignorance."
-Goethe

He Won't

Give a Shark a Fish

Give a shark a fish and he will enjoy a small snack. Teach a shark to eat straight from the bag of fish and he's out of your hair until it's empty.

His Father's Son

Big Brother drank a Capri Sun with dinner last night. As he was sitting by himself at the table finishing his food after the rest of us were done (this child is a poky eater), I overheard him say, "It looks like a boob."

I had no idea what he could be talking about until I turned around and saw him blowing up his empty Capri Sun pouch. I'm not saying my husband has ever blown up a Capri Sun pouch and said it looked like a boob, but it definitely sounds like something he would do. That's why I choose to believe all the boob talk is hereditary.

I Am Not Stacy

That's right, crazy woman who called my house at 1 a.m. Sunday morning. I am not Stacy. And here's a little hint: if you are calling my house at 1 a.m. looking for Stacy and get the answering machine the first time, don't call back two minutes later.

Yep, the crazy woman called twice at 1 a.m., but I answered the second call and yelled at her. Maybe I am a little like Roseanne, like my husband claims, but that's another story.

I like my sleep. I'm very crabby when I don't get enough sleep. I'm very crabby when I'm awakened out of my sleep for no good reason. Good reasons include one of my children crying or perhaps I just have to pee. Your phone call was NOT a good reason for me to jump my butt out of my warm comfy bed while freaking out because "Why is someone calling me at 1 a.m.?! It can't be good!"

You should be thankful you didn't wake up one of my children because I have your number on my caller ID and I'm not afraid to use it. Yes, crazy woman, I'm the type of person who would set my alarm, wake up at 3 a.m. and call your house just to get you back. That's just how I roll. Buh-bye now!

Five Quote Friday

"Children have more need of models than of critics."
-Joseph Joubert

"Do not mistake a child for his symptom."
Erik Erikson

"Babies are such a nice way to start people."
-Don Herold

"Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it."
-Harold S. Hulbert

"We've had bad luck with our kids-they've all grown up."
-Christopher Morley

Lucky Man

My husband should consider himself a lucky man and had better be glad I love him. We went to a car show last weekend and as we were walking by all the vendors, I heard him say, "Hey, that looks like you!"

I turned around and saw this:

He's lucky I wasn't PMS-ing that day or he would have been the one with the foggy thinking.