What I've Learned from My Own Life

1. My children never seem to sleep long enough, especially on weekends.
   
2. 90% of the time, my boys are dirty as soon as they step out of the bathtub. I don't understand. I swear I just washed it all off, but it somehow magically reappears.
3. As long as I am moving, I'm in the clear. As soon as I sit down to do anything, including pee, at least one of the 3 people in my house will need something, need to tell me something, need to tell on someone or just plain bug the crap out of me.
4. Fine dining for me is a pizza buffet.
5. I don't have to work outside the home, but am on call 24/7 and never get a day off.
6. I could seriously use some liposuction.
7. There are Goldfish crackers smashed into my rug. There is a mutilated magazine that Big Brother used practicing his scissor skills. There is a greasy hand print on my wall. There are so many toys lying around, I have to walk like I'm in a mine field or I might not make it. And that's just at this very moment. It will get worse.
   
8. My sexy husband would probably die if he tried to carry me up a flight of stairs and the only thing he has placed on our bed that smells is an odoriferous fart and he loves me enough to give me that on a nightly basis.