Five Quote Friday

"Live so that your friends can defend you but never have to."
-Arnold H. Glasow

"The truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do. The hard part is doing it."
-Norman Schwarzkopf

"You can measure a man by the opposition it takes to discourage him."
-Robert C. Savage

"If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size?"
-Sydney J. Harris

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

People Are Crazy

I try to be a nice person. I really do. It's just that sometimes, some people make it very difficult for me to do so. I don't have much patience for idiots (such a strong word). Maybe it's better said that I don't have much patience for people who possess absolutely no common sense whatsoever.

I found an old email today while cleaning out my inbox. This email is from someone who responded to an ad I had placed on Craigslist to sell our old dining table and chairs after we bought a new set. I never deleted this email because I laughed at it and forwarded it on to friends asking, "Can you believe this?" I still can't believe it, but admit that sometimes, it does bring a smile to my face to reminisce about this common senseless wanna be Craigslist buyer.

Here is the email and I quote:
"Hi, I'm going to take a stab at this. My fiance and I are interested in your dining table and chairs, but don't have the $40 for it. We have a wood table with two chairs, with two drop leaves (one at either end) that we'd be willing to trade. Also, we're unable to pick up, as we're both blind and therefore don't drive (they won't let us on the road). If there's any way you'd be willing to trade, that'd be awesome. Also, I'm a childcare provider, and would be happy to trade some free childcare if you've got kiddos. Thanks much for reading my long-shot of a message. :)"

Wow. Really? You really have some gumption there trying to get me to give you the table for free. Heck, you would even trade a smaller table with two chairs? Sorry, but that won't fly at this house of six. So just in case I'm not feeling sorry enough for you just yet, you add that you're blind? I'm sorry for that and certainly wouldn't wish that for anyone. Wait, wait. This is where I lost any pity that I may have had (though I don't think I had any to begin with). You're a childcare provider? You want me to give you my table and chairs and you will in turn watch my children for free? How pray tell would you watch my children, being blind and all?

Come to think of it, that sounds like a fair trade. I will be glad to deliver my old dining table, four chairs and my two only children to a complete blind stranger I met online. That doesn't sound a bit dangerous, but that could be my best shot to be on the 10 o'clock news. "Breaking news: Woman is robbed by an apparent blind couple and tied to a dining table, with two drop leaves (one at either end)."

You just can't make this stuff up. Billy Currington says it all in his new song and it's all I have to say about it too, "People are crazy."

Why Do I Torture Myself

Yesterday, I took Big Brother to have his picture taken at the gigantic box store that I love to hate. All I wanted was a cheap portrait package to have enough pictures to hand out to everyone and their dog. I swore I would never put myself or my children through this again, but there I stood trying to be nice, half laughing at the photographer's dumb jokes. It took all of my might not to say any of the following:

I just want one, good, plain picture. No cheesy balloon background. No happy clouds.

I have thousands of pictures of him on my flash drive much cuter than the one you just snapped.

I really hate that you're wasting your time taking 18 photos of my kid when I'm just here for the $7.99 butt load o' photos package.

I couldn't care less if you can make a sepia border or write his name in burnt orange, especially not now that I can smell what Baby Jaws just created in his pants. Can you smell it too or are you too involved in your creative process of typing 'Happy Birthday' over my child's legs in the ugliest font I've ever seen?

I don't need a life-size poster of him to hang on my wall. I get his little life-size body in my face waking me up every morning.

If I had $367 extra to spend on a photo package, that $367 would not be spent on a photo package.

I truly admire your initiative in trying to sell me a cd of all these school picture quality photos for only $119.

No, I don't think I need your $99 picture frame for my photo when I can just walk back a few aisles and get what looks like the exact same one for around $12.

Can you tell my 4 year old birthday boy is getting restless? He just told you himself, "I want to leave!"

Please, stop with the funky borders.

Oh, for the love of Pete woman, can you not smell the poop?!

Happy 4th Birthday Big Brother

Happy Birthday to my little man! Mommy loves you and cannot believe you are already a four year old. You've come a long way from that tiny little 5lb 13oz baby that came into the world screaming at the top of your lungs. That is one thing that hasn't changed in four years; you still have a good set of lungs.

You are the cutest, sweetest, wildest, orneriest little guy I think I've ever known. You are ALL boy ALL the time and I love you for that.

I love you even though you decided last night, on your birthday eve, to squeeze your Spongebob toothpaste into the toilet for no apparent reason. Daddy found what looked like little blue slugs and asked why the Spongebob toothpaste was in the toilet. I jumped up in a rage because I thought the entire tube of toothpaste was in the toilet. After last week and two rolls of toilet paper ending up in the toilet, your little butt was safe when I also realized it was just little blue slugs. I don't know why boys do the things they do. I've learned to not even bother to try to understand.

I love you even though you woke me up this morning at 6:15, jumping on the bed and saying, "It's my birthday! I'm so excited! I'm four old years!" Baby Jaws and Big Sisters love you even though you woke them up about five minutes later. You were so sweet announcing to everyone that today is your day.

Daddy loves you even though you cheated at mini golf today and he let you believe that you won. That may have been difficult for Daddy since he thinks he's the Tiger Woods of putt putt. (Yes, I saw your hole in one Tiger.)

We love you Big Brother! I hope you've had your best birthday yet. Mommy doesn't always like to watch you growing up so fast right before my eyes, but loves watching the little man you are growing up to be.

Our Anniversary

Yesterday was our anniversary. If you're envisioning a fun-filled, child-free day ending with a night out by ourselves and a nice dinner...well, then you don't know us very well.

We used to have that kind of anniversary, up until four years ago. So in reality, we've only had two anniversaries like that. (That seems so sad in print.) When I was pregnant with Big Brother, the first few times we went to the doctor, my due date was the same as our anniversary. As time went by, his due date was moved back a few days, but Big Brother ended up being born just two days after our 2nd anniversary.

So anniversaries 3-6 have been spent having birthday parties. Our anniversary takes a back seat each July to Elmo, Thomas the Train, John Deere and finally this year to Lightning McQueen. We would never think of ever moving his birthday party just so we could have a little fun. We will celebrate our anniversary in a few weeks when summer settles down and I for one cannot wait for that day. I'm to the point that I would do almost anything to get away from these four kids for any amount of time. ANYTHING!

Five Quote Friday

"A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down."
-Arnold H. Glasow

"Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects."
-Will Rogers

"Everything becomes a little different as soon as it is spoken out loud."
-Hermann Hesse

"Say what you have to say, not what you ought."
-Henry David Thoreau

"We give advice by the bucket but take it by the grain."
-William Alger

Memories

Big Brother has a mind like a steel trap. He remembers EVERYTHING.

Since the butt wiping incident just happened yesterday, I knew he would more than likely mention it today. Sure enough as we were driving around town, out of nowhere he said with a giggle, "Remember when I wiped poop everywhere?!"

Yeah, I remember. Great memories.

Wiping

I know I'm probably not the first mom who has uttered the words, "I can't wait until you can wipe your own butt."

Big Brother's time has finally arrived. His 4th birthday is next week. He's starting preschool next month. I've been warning him for a few weeks now that he needs to practice the butt swipe by himself, which he has been doing. The past few days, he's been shutting me out of the bathroom completely, not even letting me do a quick double check to make sure he's clean. He slams the door in my face if I even come near yelling, "I can do it! I can do it!"

Truth be told, he has been doing a good job...until today.

My day actually began with poop as I found Baby Jaws in his crib scooting around leaving little brown spots all over his sheets. Yeah, more laundry! Fast forward to afternoon nap time where I found Baby Jaws once again scooting around leaving little brown spots all over his sheets. Yeah, more laundry again! Two diaper explosions in one day did deter me a little, but didn't bother me nearly as bad as Big Brother's poop situation.

After sitting behind the closed door of the bathroom, not reading a book for once, Big Brother told me he was finished and that he wanted to take care of things himself. I was ecstatic. 'Go for it! You've been doing awesome! One less butt that I have to wipe!'

I may have one less butt to wipe, but as I walked into the bathroom a few minutes later, I found a sink I had to wipe. I'm not sure exactly how this all went down, but there was poop smeared on the sink in more than one spot. I called Big Brother back into the bathroom, explained to him how disgusting that was and if he ever gets poop on anything again to please let me know. I will give him some hygiene credit for great hand washing though. Not a spot of poop on either, although I made him wash a second time to be safe. So much for thinking potty training was over. Now we must get through the butt wiping training.

Misunderstanding

As much as Big Brother says what he wants to, I also know he hears what he wants to.

The other night, as we all piled into the truck, my oldest step-daughter, Little Miss Priss, climbed in between Baby Jaws and Big Brother in the back seat. She held up her hand and said, "I hurt my finger."

Big Brother, who apparently didn't hear her statement quite right, said to her, "You don't have a wiener."

Finger, boy. She said finger.

I Love to Shop

There aren't many people who know this about me, but I am one of those crazy coupon moms. A lot of people know I use coupons, they just don't know to what extent. I began really couponing when Big Brother was about one year old and have not looked back. I have been slacking a little lately, but am ready to start up again full force. I think my husband thought I was a little crazy when I began this venture, but now he loves it when I tell him how much I've bought compared to how much I've spent.

I have a giant binder of coupons that I carry with me when I shop. I frequent Hot Coupon World, my favorite coupon message board. I love reading coupon blogs. I buy at least two Sunday papers each week, unless there are really great coupons, then I buy more. I usually buy those at Walgreens, which has the cheapest Sunday papers around. My mom and two of her friends also save coupons for me out of their papers. So most weeks, I end up with five to six coupon inserts.

I cannot wait each week for the new store circulars to come out. I match up sales with my coupons and since I have more than one of each coupon, I stock up on things we'll use for really great prices or even free. My favorite store to shop at is Dillons, a Kroger chain store. I can get so much there for so little. I used to think that Walmart was the best place to shop for good deals until my eyes were opened by other coupon moms online. Now I love my grocery stores and don't know what I'd do without them. One of my favorite trips to Dillons that really got me super excited to keep up with the coupons is when I bought over $60 of diapers for $13.

I'm not nearly as good at this as so many others I've come across, but I'm still learning. I get so excited talking about coupons, I may just have to start a coupon blog myself. Here are some pictures of things I've purchased over the weekend.

Above is my Dillons trip today where I bought:
2 Sunny D's (free)
6 Kitten Chows (free) We don't have a kitten, but the in-laws do.
2 Juicy Juice ($1.55 each)
1 12 pack pudding ($2.49)
1 box Special K bars ($1.49)
3 Kraft salad dressings ($0.19 each)
1 box Stayfree ($1.00)
Total before coupons and store savings=$37.19
I paid $9.22 with a total savings of 76%.

I also had another trip to Dillons last week (with more free Sunny D) where the total was $32.62.
I paid $11.71 with a total savings of 65%.

Above is my Walmart trip over the weekend. I usually don't go coupon crazy at Walmart, but this trip I had a coupon for everything except the Ajax dish soap and loaf of bread.
I bought:
1 bottle Ajax dish soap
1 box Ritz
5 boxes of Finish dish washing tabs (which I bought really cheap, but then found out if I would have waited another couple of weeks, I could have had them free from CVS. Can't win them all.)
2 packages of sliced deli ham
1 package of cubed ham
2 4 packs of yogurt
1 box Wheat Thins Artisan crackers (free)
My total before coupons was $41.
I paid $19.
This is my receipt from my best outing at Dillons yet. My receipt shows I had a total savings of 102%. I actually had more coupons and my balance went into the negative so I had to pay $0.90 then go to the service desk where they gave me money for the rest of my coupons. So I ended up being paid another $3 or $4 to buy $61 worth of groceries. I was so happy! I had finally done it. I had finally done what I had been reading so many others had done. I had finally been paid by the store to take groceries and it was an awesome feeling! I love to grocery shop!

Five Quote Friday

"Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile."
-Franklin P. Jones

"Do not free a camel of the burden of his hump; you may be freeing him from being a camel."
-G.K. Chesterton

"We all know a fool when we see one-but not when we are one."
-Arnold H. Glasow

"What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything?"
-Vincent Van Gogh

"Children are the living messages we send to a time we will not see."
-John W. Whitehead

The Sweetest Things

"Memory is a child walking along a seashore. You never can tell what small pebble it will pick up and store away among its treasured things."
-Pierce Harris

Missing the Target

I guess it was dumb of me to think this stage was over.

Big Brother has been "missing the target" for the last few days. He used to miss every time he used the bathroom. But as he grew older and had more practice, he became a pro; that is, up until the last few days. What has happened to my little sharp shooter?

I've been walking in on little puddles on the toilet. Pee has been sprayed all over the floor and side of the sink that looks like we have a lawn sprinkler hooked up in there. After yet another surprise yesterday, I texted my husband and told him he needed to show Big Brother how to handle himself all over again because his aim is way off.

Tonight, Big Brother ran to pee before jumping into the tub. As my husband was washing his hair, I walked into the bathroom to see pee sprayed all over the floor again. I got onto Big Brother for making another big mess for me to clean up. Then I saw it. Was that pee in the trash can? I picked up the trash bag to find it FULL of pee. I then yelled at both my guys. I got onto Big Brother again for peeing in the trash and yelled at my husband, "Didn't you just watch him pee before he got in the tub?! Was he not even in front of the toilet?!"

Big Brother WAS standing in front of the toilet when he peed. Don't ask me how it all went into the trash can from there. I'm not a male (you have no idea how thankful I am for that). I don't understand the science of aiming at one thing and hitting another. Truthfully, I don't really care. I just want the pee to go where it belongs. Maybe tomorrow I won't have to throw away a bag of pee that I could have just as easily flushed.

Nothing But Love For My OB/GYN

I love a lot of people. I love my husband, my kids, my family and my friends. And I love my OB/GYN! I had my yearly ride in the stirrups today. Just imagine the Village People singing YMCA. Well, all morning long I was singing, "Can't wait to go to the O-B-G-Y-N!"

I love her! I've missed her. I haven't seen her in a year since I went back for my 6 week checkup after having Baby Jaws. She is the most awesome doctor in the world! I really liked my OB/GYN with Big Brother. When I found out I was pregnant with Baby Jaws, I switched hospitals and had to find a new doctor. I was terrified of who I would end up with. But I ended up with the best. She's funny, caring, and just great at what she does. She calmed me down in labor and delivery and stayed right by my side. I love her! Don't tell my husband (maybe he won't read today's post) but I would love to get pregnant again just so I can see her more often.

As much as I love my OB/GYN, I could never do what she does. I closed my eyes in childbirth class when they showed the birthing video. I know there are moms out there who view their child's birth each year on their birthdays just to reminisce about the pain-um, I mean, joy of that special day. That completely disgusts me. My husband thinks it's the coolest thing in the world to see little people popping out of my body. I can live without it. They asked if I wanted to see the births of my two boys with mirrors. Uh, no thanks. If I have to have a mirror to see it, then that's probably why God put mine down there to begin with, so I wouldn't have to look at it.

So my hat's off to you my awesome OB/GYN. Or maybe I should say my pants are off to you! Until next year...or if I can just get pregnant again.

(Note to self: don't let my husband read today's post about wanting to get pregnant again. If he reads this, he and his fear of 5 kids won't even want to sit too closely to me.)

Mother of the Year

I'm such a great mom. I realized this while looking through our vacation photos.

Yes, I'm the kind of mom who let my 1 year old drink the McDonald's equivalent of a Big Gulp. I would let him do anything that helped pass the time on a 1o hour trip the first day of our vacation. To all of you Dr. Phil lovers out there who may be getting your panties in a wad over this, he really didn't drink that much.

I would do anything to get my preschooler to take a bobble-headed nap after hearing 497 times, "Are we gonna see a train up here?" My husband and I took turns answering back 497 times, "Maybe."

I would let Big Brother stand and shoot alligators for 30 minutes, being bored out of my mind, just so we didn't have to browse Bass Pro with my husband. I really didn't see the need since we have a Bass Pro 20 minutes away from our house that we frequent more than the grocery store. He didn't really drag me 500 miles to another Bass Pro to annoy me though. He wanted to check it out since he painted a lot of their signs at his old job. I'll give him credit for that and the signs were pretty cool. He also purchased a true necessity, a new pocket knife, since he conveniently 'lost' his before we left home. You just never know when you'll need a pocket knife at the beach. They come in handy for stabbing sharks, jellyfish and what not.

And since we were already at Bass Pro, I didn't see any reason not to let Baby Jaws wrestle a bear. The bears were already in a wrestling match themselves. It does look as if Baby Jaws is trying to save the day and pull that big aggressive guy off of the poor little weak wuss on the ground though.

Maybe I'm the poster mom for what not to do. I can hear Dr. Phil now: "You really shouldn't let your child drink soda. They will grow up and not have any teeth. You really shouldn't let your child shoot a gun. They will grow up to be a thug. You really shouldn't let your child wrestle bears. They will grow up to be a redneck."

Yeah, I'm a great mom.

Baby Jaws chugging a 42 oz root beer.

Big Brother finally passed out after talking non-stop for hours.

Big Brother shooting alligators.

Baby Jaws wrestling a bear.

Five Quote Friday

"The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same."
-Carlos Castaneda

"Example has more followers than reason."
-Christian Nevell Bovee

"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts."
-Albert Einstein

"The love we give away is the only love we keep."
-Elbert Hubbard

"To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness."
-Bertrand Russell

Stupid Seagulls

When we stopped in Mobile yesterday, Baby Jaws was poopy so I changed him on our tailgate. I find this cleaner than most restrooms and it gives his butt a chance to get some really fresh air. A gang of seagulls saw this going down and began eyeballing me and hopping around like I had a big bag of Seagull Kibble. I really didn't like the way they were all looking at me. I yelled at them, "Go away! All I have is poop!" I tried ignoring them, but that worked about as well as ignoring a stalker. Stupid seagulls.

This morning, I stepped out on our balcony to snap some pictures of the beach at sunrise. I saw a guy out fishing on his kayak. Great photo opportunity until something flew right in front of the guy as I snapped it. Stupid seagull.

Vacation Fun

We finally arrived in Gulf Shores today on our vacation. I decided before we left that I would keep track of random quotes that came out of every one's mouths on the drive down. Here's what I heard.

My Husband's Quotes
"Is that a pooping llama?"
"We're eating dots like PacMan here."
"What's that guy doing? Peeing?"
"Look at that pig and that chicken dancing."

My Quotes
"Is that dude wearing a bra?"
"Look at all the bushes in the bleachers."
"Crap! There's sand in his armpits!"
"Get off of that! It has puke on it!"

Big Brother's Quotes
"Do you know where you're driving Daddy?"
"I stunk it up in Arkansas."
"My butt hurts."
"I'm gonna get some ketchup." -said at Taco Bell
"Daddy knows everything."
"Look at my fart."

It was a long drive.

Guilty

Q: Do I feel guilty that we have practically nothing in our fridge since we're leaving for vacation this week?
A: No

Q: Do I feel guilty that we ran to Wendy's for lunch Sunday after church and all Baby Jaws had to eat was one piece of chicken and fries?
A: No

Q: Do I feel guilty that this picture was taken about 7 hours after lunch when we returned home from church a second time as Baby Jaws found the leftover fries before dinner still sitting on the edge of the table, all cold and stale, pulled them down, carried them throughout every room in the house, even eating a few off the floor that he spilled along the way, scooting around like a little nomad and acting like I had not fed him all day?
A: Maybe a little

Boob Job

It's good to know my boobs are good for something now that Baby Jaws is finished with them. We went out to eat twice on Friday, something that rarely happens. The boys and I met my husband for lunch at Taco Bell. After we had finished eating and an entire morning of holding it in, I had my chance to go pee all by myself.

Have you ever tried to pee with two little boys, one of whom can't walk yet? This is the one thing I dare not attempt unless Baby Jaws is restrained in the stroller and I happen upon a stall large enough to park a Hummer inside. I can pee with one boy at a time. I have even peed with Baby Jaws sitting on my lap. It's a wonderful talent to have, balancing a 22 lb shark on your lap while peeing then having the grace to take care of things, button up, zip up, flush and get out of there.

Back to the new use for my boobs. I was finally able to give my bladder the peace it had been longing for all morning when I looked down and saw taco shell on my boob. I don't know how long it had been there. I don't know how many people saw me walk to the restroom with it perched atop my boob. I blamed my husband for not telling me because if there is anything in the vicinity of my boobs, he's sure to spot it. I find this hard to believe, but on this day, he claimed he wasn't looking.

Later that evening, we went out for pizza. After a few bites, I looked down to see pizza sauce on my shirt. Where might you ask? Right on my boob. Being extremely irritated that this had happened for the second time of the day, I grumbled, "There's pizza on my boob."

I should know better than to mention any PG-13 body part in front of my preschooler. Big Brother overheard and yelled, "There's pizza on my boob! HAHAHAHA!"

You should see me when we go to a buffet. I could feed a small army with my boob crumbs. It's like having my own bib with the big pocket to catch any food that falls from my mouth. If I ever get hungry, there's a smorgasbord of leftovers waiting on my boobs.

Five Quote Friday

"The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast."
-Oscar Wilde

"A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes."
-Mark Twain

"Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

"A man's own good breeding is the best security against other people's ill manners."
-Lord Chesterfield

"Reputation is what men and women think of us; character is what God and angels know of us."
-Thomas Paine

Reading Material

Big Brother has had a crappy day. He's been to the bathroom too many times to count. He doesn't seem to be sick. I'm sure he just ate something funky that is not agreeing with him. All I know is every trip to the toilet has added one more laugh to my day.

Every time he uses the bathroom he has to let everyone know, "I'm gonna stink it up in here!"

During his first trip this morning, he was sitting on the throne, completely bottomless. It's quite obvious you can't poop with your pants on. Already in the midst of becoming a man he asked, "Can you get me a book to read?"

Not just any book. He wanted the potty book; the one book that he never cared for while I was trying to potty train him. Now that he's been on his own for over a year, I guess the potty book is the one that moves things along quite smoothly. The potty book was nowhere to be found so my little man had to settle on his second choice saying, "Get me the kitty book."

If I couldn't find my book with the crazy looking little boy carrying around his big pot full of poop, I'm sure the kitty book would be the next best thing. Sure enough, it got the job done.

After a few more trips to the bathroom, we were outside playing frisbee when Big Brother announced he needed to pee. This is one of the many perks of having boys; you don't even have to go inside to pee. Big Brother thinks peeing outside is the coolest thing in the world. He also seems to think he invented it. Either way, it makes my life a little easier that he can just whip it out anywhere at anytime to relieve himself. Wish I had those powers. They would have come in handy while I was pregnant.

Big Brother ran over to the side of the house to his favorite peeing grounds. He pulled his pants down to water the grass and as I looked up to see his little bare butt on the horizon, he yelled, "I'm 'bout to poop!"

Lovely. I ran as fast as I could to get him as my voice rose in a crescendo, "Please don't poop. Please don't poop! PLEASE don't poop! PLEASE DON'T POOP!"

I pulled his underwear up, grabbed him and ran to the front door laughing my head off. I sent him off to the toilet yet again to get down to business. He was glad to see his book sitting beside the sink and once again the kitty book saved the day.

Sticky Situation

As much as my kids drive me insane, they equally crack me up. Big Brother has been eating animal crackers right out of the almost 5 lb container we acquired on our last trip to Sam's. I just glanced over to see him staring at his hands and was a little worried. What on earth could he have on his hands that he's passing onto all the animals in their giant clear zoo?

He jumped from the floor saying, "I need a towel. There's something sticky."

What on earth could he have on his hands that is sticky?

As he stood in the kitchen wiping his hands on the towel, I got my answer. "Must have been my booger."